Oculus (2014)

     Oculus is a very interesting thing, I certainly enjoyed myself watching it but I can't exactly put my finger on any one moment or scene that left me terrified or super hyped. It was more like the film as a whole was one big joke being played on you by the mirror; and I only got scared at the end when I realized I fell for it. THAT BEING SAID because of the nature of the movie talking about it without spoilers about the style and story might be tricky so if you just want a yes or no YES go see Oculus it's fun and inventive and we probably won't ever see another horror movie like it. I simply wish there was more of it.

     The first thing that grabbed me about the movie was it's overall style, in the trailers it looks like seeing the main duo as children is just part of the preface but instead the events of them as kids are actually spliced between scenes of them as young adults throughout the whole movie. It's hard to describe but based on the context when the kids show up it's always kind of fuzzy as to whats actually going on, it seems like the two main characters Kaylie and Tim (played by Karren Gillain and Brenton Thwaites) are just re-experiencing old memories but the movie likes to throw curves at you and constantly change the elements of the situation so that you never really no what's going on until it ends. 

     The plot of the movie is that after their parent's horrific death's as children Kaylie is picking up Tim from a mental hospital more than 10 years later and is convinced that the mirror their dad purchased when they moved into a new house all those years ago was the cause of the events that occurred and that they need to kill it because they made a promise to one another before they were separated. This is the first thing the movie does right , they make it very clear that Tim has been recovering in a stable environment and that Kaylie has been driven somewhat insane being mostly on her own. It keeps you on your toes through the first half of the movie as it keeps changing your gears for you based on who's the focus of the scene.

     The second major thing the movie does right is the brilliance of the mirror itself, at least on a conceptual level.  They never give a concrete reason as to why but the basic premise is that the mirror is evil and feeds on people Kaylie gathers up all this data of similar deaths that happen when the mirror is brought into a new place and honestly I could imagine that anyone watching the movie could believe she's right or that she's crazy because of the way Tim keeps interjecting. It really does a lovely job of balancing itself . When things do start to get a bit hairy the actual abilities of the mirror start to take shape, all it really does is mess with your perception and feed off negative memories and emotions. Thinking about it it spends most of the movie trying to distract the characters of make them hurt themselves, in a lesser movie it would keep doing more and more and get really stupid but the filmmakers and actors (both of the older and younger Kaylie and Tim) really keep you at the edge of your seat as you try to piece together what's really going on in a movie that moves too fast. Sometimes too fast for it's own good.

     Like I said above the only real complaint I can make about this movie is the length, it's barely an hour and a half and while I'm not saying every movie needs to be a 4 and a half hour trek through Middle Earth the movie occasionally feels short on time, and waves over some moments that could build more suspense. Frankly speaking that's really not much of a complaint, I mean there's a character who exists just to die but for the most part the movie is just so clever and so off the wall I would gladly put this in my top 10 favorite horror movies of all time. Go and watch it..but then maybe don't drive yourself home. Mirrors are scary and shit. 

The Raid 2 : Berandal (2014)

     If you haven't yet seen 2011's The Raid Redemption then drop whatever the hell your doing find somewhere to watch it, find some dude bros, find some snacks and set aside a day to watch it, discuss it, and watch it some more freaking times. It's the closest thing to a modern day martial arts movie mixed with a classic action movie gauntlet : A Swat team is tasked with infiltrating a tall building controlled by a drug lord (Yes it does sound a lot like Dredd) and when they get it they find it to be a trap and most of them The remain men try to to get to the top to avenge their friends and CRAY ACTION ENSUES. What separates this is that director Gareth Evans wanted to make the movies feel authentic so he traveled Indonesia and hired masters of it's native martial art Pencak Silat to help choreograph the action and star in the movie meaning that it's not in English and is all subtitled. That being said go watch this movie.

Seriously, watch this movie now. 

     The sequel (which didn't keep it's subtitle in the U.S.) focuses on the main character Rama following the aforementioned raid being tasked to get arrested in an effort to get in close with the son of a local crime boss and go into deep cover to find out some information about some stuff. Yeah... this movies biggest step back from the original is a distinct increase in story content. There is probably two or three times as much dialogue as the original and to be perfectly honest I enjoyed it on the first viewing but was kinda bored by it the second time around. I'm not trying to say that it's bad, in fact it almost plays out like the Godfather but interpreted in modern day Indonesia but you really feel the shift in pacing and sometimes it doesn't flow well. Luckily by the second half of the movie that goes away and makes way for whats most important ; The Action. 

     The real appeal of this movie and its predecessor comes from the action. Action , like love, transcends language and can be appreciated by anyone. Even if this movie didn't have subtitles you always understand when someone gets the side of hie face shoved into a table. To put it bluntly the action in this movie is brutally real, the hand to hand combat is sickeningly cool without being utter fantasy, even a couple characters that seem to have jumped out of a totally unrelated anime are used totally straight and make for terrifying on screen presences. The violence and gore is on a completely other level then any other movies right now, Evans refuses to pull any punches. To quote an internet personality "You have a normal action movie where a dude gets punched really hard in the head, he trips over a table or something and falls out of frame , in the Raid the dude gets kicked in the throat and falls on the corner of something concrete and painfully and very clearly dies". The movie isn't for the faint of heart but if it's your cup of tea this is the top tear of gritty action the money was all clearly put towards making the punches punchy and the gunshots go bang and I ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT. 

      If it wasn't already clear this movie is a must watch in my book it's totally unique in a world with movies like Taken and the Expendables where even the violent action feels very subdued. I completely understand how people felt insulted about the Total Recall remake when someone remakes this (which I hear is already in the works) good or bad it will never recapture the magic and intensity that this provides. The setting, the cinematography, the seriousness of the plot, and the utter insanity of the action  - it's not just that they couldn't remake this it's that no half-assed bullshit committee of american "Film Executives" could create anything in any genre half as impressive as the Raid movies. I can't say everyone will enjoy this , but there is not another action movie that meets this level, so make the climb. 

Captain America The Winter Solider (2014)

     To be perfectly honest it's hard for me to look at this movie and pretend I'm not biased I mean HOLY CRAP possibly the most popular and most famous Captain America comic book story of all time and they actually managed to directly adapt it into a movie that also fits into their current film universe that also happens to be a really good movie. Blowing my mind over here Marvel. The thing that winds up making this the best Phase 2 movie (The Phases are broken up by Avengers movies hence why we're in Phase 2) so far, and trust me this movie is really enjoyable, is the fact that it works both towards building the universe and as a direct sequel to Captain America 1.

     As I said above one of this movies greatest strengths is being a directly sequel to Cap 1 more than the Avengers while still filling in story for both ; set a few years after the events of New York Captain America (Chris Evans) A.K.A. Steve Rogers is working directly for S.H.I.E.L.D. as a military asset and leader of a covert strike team that has been drifting towards the unsavory under the orders of Nick Fury (played by Samuel L Jackson) and after an attempt on his life he hides out in Rogers' apartment to warn him that he thinks S.H.I.E.L.D. is compromised and that he needs to figure out who's in charge of all the evil doings including a new auto-threat-elimination system of helicarriers. He is then shot before he's able to give the Captain any details by a mysterious assassin with a strong cybernetic metal arm. Together with the help of Agent Romanoff (Scarlett Johansson) they'll have to find out the identity of the Winter Solider and figure out who's been secretly taking over S.H.I.E.L.D. IT'S A WHO DONE IT IN WASHINGTON! To be fair that plot may not sound very cool but trust me it culminates in some of the series' biggest action set pieces and best hand to hand fights. The villain is menacing and well designed a lot like the movie as a whole which manages to take the tone of the original Cap movie and bring it over into the modern setting.


     The thing that catches a lot of people off guard with the character of Captain America is that he's just a super human. Nothing unique, no special powers just a good solider trying to do good things. He spend a good amount of time behind his shield and more interestingly is constantly holding back unless he absolutely has to fight. He doesn't want to kill anyone he just doesn't like bullies. You see unlike the plot of Iron Man 3 his resolve never changes and neither do his motivations because hes a very simple guy who constantly parades around talking about freedom and protecting others and doing the right thing. By all accounts he should be goofy and kind of obnoxious but the guys who write him have found a good balance and words and action that constantly keep you rallying for the Cap. They even have a moment in this film that's basically the "Swing the cranes in, we gotta help Spider-man" except it's done in such an emotional way with such a real character that you almost want to cry at the sincerity.


     On a film making level this movie is wicked awesome, great action set pieces on both a hand to hand and large scale boom bang explosion level without losing sight of what's important. Every little twist in turn is handled really nicely including the introduction of a classic Captain America side kick type character who I'm not going to spoil. Honestly it's way easier to criticize a movie than to praise it, and if I had any critiques for Cap I'd say it half introduces a lot of universe building type characters that I would have liked to see more of like a potential love interest and a recurring bad guy that sort of thing. I always appreciate nods to the comics but there a couple here that are really odd choices (Like Georges Bartoc of all characters) but I don't they detract from the movie. The biggest thing that will waiver your opinion of this movie is simply if you like all the Marvel movies thus far, if you do you'll like this one it's great, if your on the fence this one could change your mind, but if you don't like them and think there are too many super hero movies then there's nothing anyone can do. AND I PITY YOU!

 Unlike Iron Man 3 and Thor 2, which were good movies, this movie really delivers on all levels. Go see it!

Divergent (2014) (P.S. It sucks)

     Now here we have a genuinely unpleasant movie to watch. A bad cast of bad actors wrapped up in a convoluted sci-fi plot that's just stupid enough to have actually come out of a teen novel ooooooh it's movies like this that really bring my blood to a boil, it has no redeeming fun qualities it's just all bad all the time. It tries to be emotionally engaging and comes off as weakly scripted, it tries to have good action but no one on set was qualified to direct good action, it tries to be intense and comes off as really boring, but worst of all when it tries to be serious it all comes off as a big joke.

     Let me make one thing perfectly clear, movies based on teen novels suck (Harry Potter is not a teen novel in the same sense) period. Beautiful Creatures kind of got a pass for being really well cast and adapted but the others including Mortal Instruments and Hunger games do not. Besides the weak premises of the both those series' their biggest problem is a lack of proper adaptation. I've never read these books it comes across clearly in the dialogue and pacing. When I first heard that Divergent was getting a crack at the big screen all my hope came from the setting and the main plot which sounded okay ; A run down post apocalyptic Chicago inside of a giant wall houses a society of people split up into five classes based on their skills and personality. Everyone gets to take a test at a certain age to determine where they're most suited and then gets to choose their path in life. The twist is that some kids' take the test to reveal that they are Divergent and "don't belong in a single category because their brains work differently".... okay so the setting was cooler than that central idea I mean that just screams "DON'Y WORRY 13 - 17 YEAR OLD GIRL YOU DON'T HAVE TO FIT IN YOU'RE SPECIAL" ughhhhhhhhhhhh this is painful.

     So the core sucks but hows the rest? Well it all sucks too but let's talk about it anyways. This movie takes a long walk off a short pier in the third or fourth scene by introducing the supporting cast, which is mostly terrible, and the bad guy who is only vaguely hinted at as the bad guy until you realize about halfway through that she has to be the bad guy or the movie can't have a story (Played oddly enough by Kate Winslet). The rest of the supporting cast in order of importance is her racially ambiguous best friend who's personality is having things around her be unfair, two white guys who are SO generic and interchangeable I often forgot there was two of them even when one of them dies, Miles Teller as a smug douche bag, annnnnnnnnnnd her love interest. Oh yeah I guess I haven't mentioned the two characters in the above photo. Let me tell you why. I forgot their character names, I forgot how they become romantically involved, I walked out to go to bathroom and consider ditching my friends and when I came back they suddenly were in love POOF PACHANG CHIZOW! To put it mildly they are little bland to be leading characters in this strange little sci fi world. All the basic film making stuff feels really weirdly cheap ; what little special effects happen are bad, there are no big sets everything is either outside a building , in a small room, or in an ugly big sound stage. Since they never venture outside the city we never get any good outdoor landscapes except for these ugly little nightmare sequences that make no sense at all.

     This movie is not redeemable but the worst thing about it is how slow it all feels, the story is lightly sped up over the course of what is supposed to be months if not a year but they give very little indication of any time passing so the pacing comes across as they just tore out half the pages in random spots of the book and wrote "AWKWARD TRANSITION" between all the pages. Just... don't go see this movie. Please. See Captain America The Winter Soldier or something.

   

Noah (2014)

     Aronofsky's Noah is an interesting beast. It aims to tell not just a large scale story but an entire biblical epic in the now standard just over two hour running time given to it and all other not guaranteed money making movies. Until a Director's cut comes out we won't know if Noah is a masterpiece marred by its editing or if it's more of a shoddy mess of scenes stitched together at the last minute but what I can assure you is that the final product that I just saw was pretty great as a whole but held back some by the age old story it's trying to tell.

     I won't go over the plot in detail (Come on you should know this by now if your above the age of 6) but what I will say is that it follows the bible story very closely. Adding in characters and set pieces to drive the visual quality from great to stunningly great. Our hero Noah (played by Fighting Around the World's own Russel Crowe) is tasked by god to build an Arc to save two of each animal so that God can flood the world and cleanse it evil humans . Where the movie differs from the simple story I remember is that he is helped by a rogue band of fallen angels who seek redemption, and is sieged by the Human King Tubal Descendant of Cain, played by Ray Winestone , who demands that humans get safe passage on the arc as opposed to animals.

     The two most interesting things the movie does are it's timeline and it's visuals. To levy the harsh reality that the drama portrays the visuals of the world and some of its inhabitants and distinctly fantastical creating a believable setting that could be an old pre-flood earth or just a simple fictional drama. It allows for enjoyment of both the religious and the non each interpreting the surreal world portrayed to them however they see fit. Everything is just grounded enough that it could have existed but nothing is thrown in your face to try and change your personal beliefs. I guess in a sense that's all this movie really had to accomplish ; tell the story of Noah's Arc without offending anyone and I'd say it did a good job of that. Portraying theoretical evolution right next to creationism with flashy visuals and beautiful scenery. I don't know where parts of this movie were filmed but I want to go there.

     The other thing it does well is detach yourself from the main character just like how he has to detach himself from the situation he's in. Pressured by his beliefs he constantly looks as though he wants to abandon the cause and sticks with it out of faith. It makes for a character you can get behind and empathize with without having to support all of his actions.

     The movie isn't flawless ( I mean you should go see it but it's not flawless), the rest of the cast don't really pull their weight as Noah's family they all kind of have single note plot device personalitys that make them seem bland until the scene their in is about them. It doesn't start getting in the way until the last Act of the movie but I will say if you can get through it all is well by the end. I would say that it runs too long and has some boring parts but I don't have a lot of ground to say that because I can't think of a lot of scenes I would have cut.

     All and all Noah turned out a lot better than I expected it to. I don't know if it's for everybody but given when they released it and how they've been marketing it I'm sure it'll do about as well as it deserves to.

300 : Rise of an Empire (2014)

     I was never that fond of the original 300, and while I was clearly in the minority I don't think there's anything that's going to convince me. Part of the problem is the source materiel itself, I appreciate the works of Frank Miller but rarely agree with what they have to say and how they go about saying it. 300 is decent book and the movie adaptation is just a simple slog endlessly enjoyable for the action but not necessarily a great flick. That's why I'm surprised that while its sequel Rise of an Empire (which is a really bad name) isn't the most amazing movie you're going to see this summer you probably should go see it.

     Rise of an Empire is an interesting piece, taking place before, during, and after the events of its predecessor and is made with a hint of disdain at the original, aiming to be a bit smarter and a bit deeper, opting to have two of it's main three characters female is where the originality starts and ends for the most part ; Lena Headey returns as Leonidas' wife and narrates parts of the movie, weaving the tales she sees it which I thought was rather clever because by making the voice female it comes across with a lot more clarity and by it also being the wife of the fallen Spartan king  her narration feels very sympathetic. Her role in the movie is similar to the first one, going from being the power behind the throne to having to take charge and lead openly, thought we only get one real scene of this I feel like her casting was a good choice then and an even better choice now. The other female lead is Eva Green and let me just say she completely steals the show, everything else the movie does right or wrong pales in comparison to her powerful presence on screen. She serves as a foil to Headey, similar character and even the same motivations but while one was a queen who helped her king, the other manipulated and created her god king of Persia (which is scary enough on it's own without some of the f*cked up killing she does in this movie). One could say that beyond the action the movie is symbolically about the conflict between them, their ideals, and the men that follow them.

     Unfortunately I'd say that's the main thing the movie has going for it, and instead of making that the whole movie there's a third, male lead Sullivan Stapleton as Themistokles a Greek solider who fought off the first Persian invasion many years ago, and feels partially responsible for what Xerxes has become for just killing his father and not him during that battle. He's not a bad actor but his part in the movie feels a lot weaker, very underwritten to match the way he plays the character as opposed to 300's King Leonidas who was a lot louder and more commanding. I suppose making him more of a thinking mans brute was the intent but apart from his scenes opposite Green I was not a fan of his performance. SPEAKING of his scenes opposite to her I have no doubt that their two scenes together had some writer snickering thinking he was all clever and two his point they are pretty cool. Without going into detail the first ***Spoilers*** is a sex scene that kind of plays out like a fight and a final fight scene that feels very sexually tense *****Spoilers Over***** and they are killer loads of fun as well as well choreographed. Was it all necessary? Well in a movie like this that sort of prides itself of the campiness of it all, but likes to flip the tables and be actually impressively made I'd have to say yes.   Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd there's really nothing to say about the action because at the end of the day that's the main draw of the movie and it's AWESOME. I don't know a lot about Greecco era navel combat but holy crap it looks awesome in this movie. It would have been a really bad misstep for them to screw up the action.


     Though I walked out of the movie somewhat unimpressed for being a little bit boring and disjointed, I mean a lot of the minor side characters have already faded in my mind, I have to say the more I dwell on it the more I was impressed by it's originality. The action topped off with Eva Green are what makes this movie and I'd be lying if I tried to spin it any other way. Not spectacular but if you wanna go to the movie I'd say most people would enjoy this one.

HBO's True Detective Ep. 1 & Ep. 2 (2014)

TV SHOWS ARE PEOPLE TOO GUYS! Okay technically they aren't people but they are important. Part of me actually wanted to sit in front of a bunch of moving pictures of lava and that guy from game of thrones... and Kiefer Sutherland as the bad guy apparently but I just didn't want to. Plus I don't get paid so I can write about whatever I want. This week I have been pretty much consumed with the new HBO miniseries True Detective so that's what I'll write about.

     If you haven't ever watched an HBO miniseries quick notes ; they are the best things on whenever they run, they usually get a way higher budget then they need for the short time they run, and because of the budget, and the fact that they're made over only a few months, they can often afford big movie stars like Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey ! Yay!

    Whoever cast these two is probably very pleased with themselves right now, while they haven't been huge stars in years McConaughey has had a massive resurgence in recent years being in three or four successful and critically acclaimed movies. Harrelson on the other hand is acting like he's still in character for No Country for Old Men and it fits perfectly. The basic plot could not be simpler Detective Martin Hart is a detective who's been working as a homicide detective in the Louisiana State Police Department for his whole career is suddenly partnered with Detective Rust Cohle an intelligent but strange cop who specializes in out of the ordinary type murder cases. The show opens with the arriving at their first crime scene together, a strange ritualistic looking murder of a young women wearing a crown of antlers, and Hart gets the captain to keep the two of them on the case, though their personalities frequently the clash they agree to work together to solve the case.... but that's not the whole show. The episodes are split between two time lines one of the two officers working together in the 90's and a series of interviews being conducted years later having both characters being individually questioned about what appears to be another murder done by the same killer.

    This is very much one of those shows that EVERYONE should watch. No one element of it makes it great, the thing as a whole is great. The two leads are the icing on the amazingly crafted cake. It's as well written and clever as any other detective show out there and is just so smart about every single element within it. Each episode so far (5 of 8) has managed to be a great self contained story that adds layer after layer of intense mystery. I've never seen a show like this get so gritty and harsh about the world it's set in and I cannot wait to see how it ends. As far as the episodes go specifically I would they're both just set up but the first is better than the second which fills the required "This is an adult show for adults so there must be adult nudity but only boobs" quota and doesn't accomplish much.

    I just cannot stress enough how much you have to watch this show, it's by far the best thing HBO has made in a while and it should shoot everyone who's involved career's to the stars!

   

Justice League War (2014)

   

    Justice League War is the latest entry into the DC Animated Movie Line. What's this animated movie series you ask? Well they are a long standing series of straight to DVD / Blu Ray animated movie set in the DC universe made by a variety of comic books talents from the DC's most successful branches. While on a large scale their only movie success has been the live action Batman movies they have had major small scale success with these lower budget comic book story driven movies. It started back in 2007 with Superman Doomsday a simplified version of the uber- popular  The Death of Superman comic arc from the early 90's.

    The idea here was to take the widely known series, shave off any excess characters and focus on putting the core conflict into motion. I consider this movie one of the better in the series, good action great writing, but most importantly a good adaptation of well known series; it didn't encompass every detail that hardcore fans may have wanted to see but it that didn't make it any less fun or exciting.

                      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DC_Universe_Animated_Original_Movies is where you can find a full list of all the titles (21 including 2 coming later this year) and if you want my top three The Flashpoint Paradox , The Dark Knight Returns Part 1 and 2, annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd.......


    .....Justice League War!

    If you don't keep up with comic books (and I don't blame you) a while back the DC universe was reset into 52 new lines of comics called the new 52. It's been a successful en devour for them, allowing new writers to give their own twists on classic characters. Chief among these new books was Geoff Johns' Justice League Origins a new take on the crisis that brought together the original members of the Justice League (now including Cyborg and Shazam). The comic is fantastic, a must read for DC fans new and old. How's the movie? Well it's also very good! Like my list showed before it's my third favorite of these movies, and for good reason. Creative direction of this movie was given to the team who brought success to the comic, and even though it's much shorter it brings to light all the good things about Johns' book ; the dialogue especially considering what the movie is about. Bringing these characters together is a difficult task but this movie makes it look easy, it's pretty light on back story and assumes you know who all the characters are going in but once it gives them brief introductions it slams into play bringing forth beautiful art of great action and cool settings. Some of the story feels kinda brushed past and the villain really isn't explained well for non comic fans but I can guarantee you will enjoy this flick.

    The thing that I enjoyed most about this movie is how it plays the character's personality's off each other so well, I cannot imagine a live action Justice League movie turning out this well (and it won't) and I look forward to the future of DC's well animated library of short delves into some of my favorite characters.

RoboCop (2014)

   Film critic sin, I have in fact never seen the original RoboCop in it's entirety. It struck me as one of those movie that could never live up to all the hype so I can review this movie on it's own merit. However I am going to watch the original in the coming days and I may write a second review based on how it compares to the original. For now you just get the movie as it is. That's not so bad. Calm down.

   So for this movie RoboCop is about two main things, the titular character Alex Murphy's RoboCop (played by Joel Kinnaman) and the world outside of the United States (Which is played by the opening scene of the movie). Circa some time in the future one company based out of Detroit builds robots to replace law enforcement, they are used in what appears to be every slightly underdeveloped nation in the world and create environments of completely controlled peace, it isn't shown to a great extent but I got the impression that the people were living under the thumb of the machines. The main thrust of the narrative is that the head of this company (played by Michael Keaton) is trying to get an act repealed that will allow him to integrate robuttz into the law enforcement agencies in the US and to do this he wants to take a disabled cop or veteran or what have you and rebuild him or her into a robot cop. CopBot. Or like... android cop!

We are then introduced to officer Alex Murphy of the Detroit P.D. who through strenuous sub plot background shenanigans is injured in a car bombing nearly fatally. The company approaches his wife about rebuilding him as a robocop, yada yada yada you get the idea and 3 months later scientist man (played by Gary Oldman) has him built back up into a robot body. ROBOCOP.

   Yes while the poster may show off the new silly black suit the movie does feature (start and end) with the classic silver suit. It looks awesome. The movie overall is one of the better remakes at this level. Apart from a few little quirks it manages to deliver a solid and somewhat compelling story of a man struggling to keep his humanity. It has some really strong moments (that I don't want to spoil) and it went waaaay farther into how depressing of a situation Murphy's is than I thought it would. This movie contains some seriously dark and somewhat freaky outta left field moments that I genuinely wasn't expecting. RoboCop is also filled with some pretty solid action scenes, nothing too cray or too fancy but visually impressive and kept me mostly excited. Generally the performances of all the actors are great, legitimately everyone from Samuel L. Jackson to the Tin Man himself. Seriously it feels like a lot of money and time was poured into this movie, almost like someone cares about the property and the beloved icon....


   BUT the film is far from perfect. It feels very cut down, it charts in at about 2 hours but feels way way shorter, a lot of the little scenes fly by, the situation with the family doesn't feel important enough and neither of the actors playing his son or wife bring a lot to the table. Some of the effects fall a little short , and the movie's overall visual aesthetic is a little bland, they don't do a lot to the overall setting to make it look like it's any number of years in the future. Also to be perfectly honest the whole thing kinda falls apart towards the end, the last action scene is bad, the final confrontations with the two main antagonists is weak, and the only thing about the end that feels right is Murphy getting back into the silver suit. Do all of these things totally ruin the movie? Wellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll not exactly, but it's nothing special.

 
   For me the movie is slightly above average and maybe worth a look if you're scrounging for something to do but I can't imagine anyone clambering to the theater to see this one. It's kind of a shame because with a little more work, maybe a few scenes reworked this movie could be something really cool. Unfortunately it's just kinda sorta there, I mean it came out in the middle of the week they don't really seem to care that this movie was even finished. Considering how expensive it probably was to make and the amazing cast that filled out its ranks I will remain slightly dissapointed that this didn't turn out to be more than it was. The first 3/4s really deserves a better ending then what we got here.

                                                   
                                                     CATCH YA LATER ROBO FANZ

THIS SUIT IS PRETTY STUPID YA'LL

That Awkward Moment (2014)

 

                                 


   This review is going to be difficult for me. Partially because I love the comedy trio presented here, Zac Efron whose trying to push his way back into the lime light, Miles Teller one of my favorite comedic actors of all time despite having seen him in only one other comedy role (21 and Over is my favorite comedy) and Michael B. Jordan who has been in a lot more than either of the other actors and can play any role with personality and charm. However the actual difficulties will be spelling the word awkward which I'm bad at and avoiding puns like "That Awkward Moment when you have a really great cast and hire a dying seagull to write your movie" or "That Awkward Moment when you cut a trailer that's so dishonest you should never work in the film industry again" or even "That Awkward Moment when a movie really disappointing you, despite it being reviewed terribly".

    Look at this picture, THIS is an official promo pick for the movie and three of them don't even look like they actually look it together in the same room at the same time. For those of you who don't know That Awkward Moment is a movie about three jerks living in New York who, devoid of personality and bad with relationships start hanging out with each other again after being great friends in collage. When Mikey (played by Michael B. Jordan) is asked for a divorce by his wife his two old best buds decide to team up and stay single together until he's back in his feet. So what's the title all about you may ask? The awkward moment in question is, if you can believe it, when a girl asks you to make a decision about defining your relationship.

                                                                           Yeah.

    Comedy ensues. I've seen all three of the actor's be funnier elsewhere and this movie has a serious sense of being bogged down with two key issues ; ABYSMAL WRITING and being cut down. Despite being R rated the movie only really uses it to go into dick jokes and very light non nude sex scenes. At about 90 minutes I felt like I was missing half the locations, half the background characters, and half of the OTHER TWO MAIN CHARACTER"S STORIES. It's like they set out to make and upsetting movie just to upset me. Here we have three awesome actors, they make Zac Efron's character Jason (They also never give last names) a complete douche bag who is super concerned with his "roster" of girls he calls up just to sleep with and they never give the other two characters the time or the credit they deserve they're just plot devices that revolve around him being a jackass who can't commit to girls because he's "not in the right place in his life" boo fucken whoooooo. And yes the movie is about him finally finding the girl who changes him. YUK YUK WELL BLOW ME DOWN. Then out of no where time just passes and it's never clear for how much time has gone by between scenes. The movie opens giving up the date of the last scene but that doesn't explain how some of these people got so attached to one another and went to work so few times over the course of a meh unknown number of days. One of the only repeated scenes that works is them sitting in a coffee shop being stupid New Yorkers and they cut off those scenes randomly in the middle every single time.

 
    The writing only makes everything worse, it's one thing to have bad characters in a bad setting with bad pacing but if the writing was good it would be easier to look past some of the film's other problems. One of my favorite games to play while I was trying not to leave was count how many times they use the same locations and just shoot from a different angle because they re-use every single set multiple times. The writing is just too simple and too cliche ridden, I felt sick watching parts of this movie where the most commonly used words are fuck, shit, idiot, and girls. It would be one thing if they could make that funny but no one could make that funny. The emotional scenes in the movie don't resonate because of this, they either come of really goofy and awkward (That Awkward Moment when I giggle during a funeral scene) or too cliched and unrealistic. While the writing is terrible I'll give this movie a little bit of credit for the few scenes that work really work. When I said the movie was marketed poorly it's because if you watch the trailers it very rarely shows the any of the female characters , nor do they show any scenes related to the plot. It's just the three guys hanging out with each other making bro comedy, and that stuff kinda works BUT does not warrant the rest of the movie which kills all it's own funny.

   I guess I shouldn't have expected much more than tragedy from the January comedic release. I really disdain this feature for it's inability to come out with it's great cast and nail all the punchy post college age bro humor but it doesn't even give itself the opportunity filling in the gaps between "serious scenes" with bad low brow humor, overly sexualized scenes that don't break the R rating, and way too much unnecessary cursing. Top it all off with a weak supporting cast, bad cinematography and an all around unlikable main character and you have "That Awkward Moment when you make a shitty comedy and market it badly to try and trick me". Shame on you.

The official Maple Merchant January Pick is Paranormal Activity the Marked Ones

Cheering Sounds

But you should probably go see any Oscar Nominated movies you haven't yet seen instead.

Bigger Cheering Sounds!

Devil's Due (2014)

 

This picture is so dumb...

   I didn't have high expectations for Devil's Due going in. I mean I don't go into ANY movie with high expectations anymore but as a courtesy to the movie I avoided trailers and reviews, going in as blind as possible. Now if you scroll down a bit you can see my review for Paranormal Activity the
Marked Ones, where I praise it for what it brings to the Paranormal Activity - a - verse. I don't give scores anymore because I feel you cannot boil down a complex opinion into an arbitrary number or letter, BUT if I did I would retroactively bump up Marked One's score just on the merit that I wish I had been watching it for a second time over seeing Devil's Due at all.

Clocking in at 89 minutes Devil's Due, not to be confused with that cool Star Trek episode, follows the story of a young PAINFULLY white couple Samantha and Zach McCall  starting with their marriage, moving to their honeymoon where thanks to the convenient found footage style of the film we see the foreshadowing of some sort of strange, powerful, and evil ritual that seems to have wound up causing a miraculous pregnancy that neither of them can explain. That premise alone surfaces three problems with the film :

1. The characters are smug and moronic, the guy shows no regard for personal safety or good decision making which is what leads to them getting semi-kidnapped and
immaculately impregnated in the first place. Throughout the film no one acts rationally or tries to fix things despite MOUNTAINS UPON MOUNTAINS of evidence that show
how badly things are going.

2. The found footage style is inconsistent, throwing out the idea that this is all one person's account by having security cameras, spy cameras, and OTHER PEOPLE's camera's footage all mashed together and edited like an actual movie. They briefly touch on the fact that the the story is being cobbled together by the husband as he recounts it to the police but trust me when I say I went over it a dozen times in my head and there's no way the cops would have all the footage the audience sees.

3. The movie shoots itself in both feet before the starting whistle, mainly by being called Devil's Due so we know exactly what's going on the whole time voiding
any scenes of the husband trying to figure out the truth adding to the boredom, and secondly BY BEING CALLED DEVIL'S DUE!

   This movie is brain dead and boring, the acting isn't good, the effects are minimal but still manage to look cheap, there's nothing scary because all the jump scares were shown off in the trailer and any semblance of mystery in the plot is thrown out by showing us a part of the satanic ritual used to impregnate the wife instead of  maybe just NOT doing that so that maybe it could be the spawn of our main character who's so unlikable and obnoxious that might actually be worse than an anti-Christ BUT SINCE THE MOVIE IS ONLY 89 GODDAMN MINUTES THEY COULDN'T POSSIBLY CUT IT SHORTER! I have seen better fan trailers for stupid concepts of fake ideas than this movie. You may have noticed I mentioned that the movie is boring but let delve deeper into this mess ; Some of the greatest horror movies I've ever seen are 90 minutes or shorter specifically my favorite The Strangers starring Liv Tyler is only 86 minutes and yet that movie is done so perfectly, and slowly in that time you feel as the hours pass in time frame of the events
that are unfolding. Devil's Due has a time stamp in the bottom half the time and It didn't occur to me until writing this that the movie takes place over 9 months because the two leads to absolutely nothing ; in order they go to a doctor, then a lamas class , they go to a baby store, they go to a creek, they go back to the doctor, then a church, then a hospital, the woods,and another house a few blocks away. That is literally all that this couple did over 9 months that was worth filming.

I genuinely hate these two.

   Even worse, if those scenes average 4 - 9 minutes in length that means that the majority of the movie takes place outside of their house and it still feels like every single scene is just them fighting or weird shit happening in their ugly old house. I shit you not there is a scene, it lasts less than two minutes, that is just the couple spewing exposition while they hold playing cards. Sure the wife puts one down at some point but this is it!! This is whats wrong with the movie!!! They cannot think up a single way to make anything look interesting
or feel natural. Even towards the end (***SPOILER ALERT***) when the husban is skulking around some creepy cult house the layout of where things are placed and who is inside while he is are 100% nonsense.
It infuriates me that movies like this still get made, I mean clearly they knew it sucked because hey it's January but Marked Ones is leagues better and anyone who says different is a fucking lair.
Hell Banshee Chapter a movie that came out digitally early in December is coming to some theaters next week and that's a loads better.  

   I'm still not going to outright damn the idea of found footage movies, I mean there are a few more coming out this year including Paranormal Activity 5 (no I'm serious it's shooting for an October release)
but this movie being done all guerrilla cam style only worsens the cheap, not to mention boring, feeling that this movie was either made by someone way out of his depth or by a committee of people who didn't
care about it and both possibilities are sad. I wonder what the director's made before this. I guess we'll never know..

   PSYCH I have the internet. This movie was directed by the same pairing of guys who directed the first V/H/S , and written by a women with no other credit's to her name.

Well jeez that sure does make a lot of sense. Please never make another movie again. PLEASE.

The Bottom 13 Movies of 2013

   So yeah.... 2013. A lot of good movies and a looooooooooooot of bad movies. I want to apologize on behalf of the lesser population of the United Stated for still supporting shitty movies.

13. Gangster Squad : Damn.. the first movie of the year shamefully pushed to that spot because of some post edits and re shoots that took this film, that could have been something special, and made it just dull and disjointed.

12. A Good Day to Die Hard : This movie was really bad, it turned Bruce Willis and his enjoyable if a little formulaic action shtick and made it boring and generic even by the standards of these types of movies. It's such a shame that the previous entry in the series is easily one of the best, and this is such a painful stain. I hope the people who ruined it die hard. Oh jeez that was harsh. My bad. Oddly enough this is many critic's worst movie of the year and I find that pretty weird... i mean did anyone see ANY OF THESE MOVIES.

11. Man of Steel :..................................... I'm not going there right now.

10. Dead Man Down : One of the general themes of this year's list of bad movies is boredom. Let me tell you this movie was one of the most original version of
a dull, slogging, bad Bourne ripoff espionage action thrill-less thriller. Pissing away its decent cast and even more decent set pieces.

9. Planes : I can't remember the last time a Pixar animated feature felt so cheap and lifeless and looked so ugly. Except from maybe Cars... and Cars 2.

8. The Canyons : HEY GUYS Lindsey Lohan involved in hard drugs and the porn industry. If she were any more gross looking I literally wouldn't have been able to stomach
the awkward nude scenes.

7. Getaway : Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh they f*cked this up.

6. R.I.P.D. : To quote a great man "All children grow up".
This movie is ass.

5. Grown Ups 2 : When you open a bad movie the SAME weekend as a great movie I must say with full honesty that I hate your guts Sir.

4. The Lone Ranger : I like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. The main trilogy anyways, that fourth one really got away from them. I don't know how they got this licence or even how this movie came about but it's so bizarre, and dull, and agonizingly arrogant of its source materiel i would much rather see another Pirates.

3. After Earth : It's shame when movies like this get made, because I love both the cast and the concept so much that it kinda hurts. Let me drop a bomb and say that looking at this objectively Jaden Smith's Karate Kid remake is very very good and better than the original in a lot of ways, and I do not need to list the credentials of his father here. It just upsets me when piss poor excuses for movies get shat out like this for no apparent reason other than Will Smith wanted to be on screen with his son. Admirable intent, abysmal outcome.

2. Scary Movie V : Uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh these movies are never great but there's no reason for them to be this bad. In the internet age we currently live in parody movies like this need to be made quickly and edited well to keep all the jokes relevant and this stinker sat in the production back lot's closet for faaaaaaaaaaaaar too long just getting sweaty and sticky and meh. It would be the worst movie of the year if it weren't for....

1. Now You See Me : Objectively Scary Movie V is worse than this movie. This movie is well filmed, has good effects, and a great cast. BUT if the trailers for this movie had been half as honest as any other movie's trailer this year this movie might not even be on this list. This movie took such an original idea, a cool original idea at that, and blows it right down the shit pipe. I do not understand how you could possibly get that much money, hire such great actors, film in such cool locations and get such a decent idea and PISS IT SO FAR AWAY FROM GOOD. I WOULD LOVE TO NEVER SEE A MODERN MAGICIAN MOVIE AGAIN. That is legitimate hate...

The Top 13 Movies of 2013

...fortunately 2013 was not a terrible year for movies, despite having a few dozen stinkers. Sure this last year only had two super hero movies, BUT 2014 is going to be a great year for all us nerds and nerdettes. It's also a shame that I can only pick 13 movies (Because of my ridiculous constraints only put on by myself) but trust me there was a tonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn of good stuff. Honorable mentions go to Captain Phillips, Before Midnight, Elysium, Kick ass 2 , and the Conjuring. In that order. SO I guess this could be top 18. Maybe you'll get that list in 2018. If you're lucky.

13. Prisoners : This is a movie that despite seeming to be very simple took many audiences by the collar and shook them till they couldn't cry no more. One of the truly dark and gritty movies not just of the year, but of our entire generation I wish this movie would pick up as much traction in the public eye as it deserves. A stunning cast, wrapped in a stunning screenplay, with a stunning story nothing short of a genre defining thriller.

12. About Time : Say what you will about crying, and being a man, and romantic dramatic movies, and say what you will about the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, but while watching this movie I loved, and laughed, and cried all at once. Ignorant to other time travel movies and Ideas, About Time has you absolutely fall in love with its characters stating early on "If I'm going to make my life how I want it, it's going to be about love". The story truly follows suit. It isn't cliched or boring, it's fun and... very happy. There aren't a lot of purely romantic movies that come a long this sweet or happy anymore and it was simply a breathe of fresh air into a genre I had condemned. That was also kind of a pun because of the tornado warning .

This is the End... HAHAHAHAH no that was simply atrocious.

11. At the World's End : See now this a comedy, and another British made movie. This movie is not only proof that the mighty trio of Frost Pegg Wright can produce something that is serious, well acted, well written, engaging and sad WHILE STILL MAKING A GOOD COMEDY. This practice appears to just fly over head with many comedy writers and directors these days who don't see the value in balanced film making. You really feel for the characters, and while i'm too young to totally relate to them I certainly feel that in the future looking back to this movie I'll find its message all too true and that's both scary and inspiring in a movie that shows such depth and growth within itself. A must say that the reason it isn't higher on the list is because there were better "comedies" this year.

10. The Hobbit : The Desolation of Smaug : EXCITEMENT BANG BOOM DWARVES LAKES NO PLACE FOR A HOBBIT PRECIOUS MAGIC GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. So I somehow had time to see this movie three times (It's really long) but as far as I'm concerned that should be all I need to say. It's a three hour long movie that's exciting, action packed, gorgeously well made, and just plain fun enough to warrant at least 3 viewings. Admittedly I'm not as big a fan of the first Hobbit because it's tone is a little more scattered, and there are some fairly long dull stretches of awkward humor,and while the Desolation still has that, it feels a lot more fleshed out in comparison. As opposed to a dull "We're half way there" kind of ending it ends on a grimmer, the tides are turning sort of feel. I certainly enjoyed it, and I most certainly can't wait for part 3.

9. Don Jon : When I first heard that Joseph Gordon Levitt was doing so much outside of acting I immediately felt way less accomplished. When I heard he was coming out with a show about user created content from hitRecord, I was uncertain that his lack of experience in content creation and control would make a great show. While we still have yet to see how it turned out I can now put any inkling of his creative incompetence to bed. Don Jon is one of most original and interestingly crafted movies I've ever seen. A lot of the people I've talked to about it mentioned it being kind of an uncomfortable watch with their friends, but I feel that enhances the experience. The films honesty about its subject is clear from the beginning and while that may turn some people off we don't need those people involved. Losers. The originality, and the acting certainly make up for the somewhat strange awkward subject matter. Not really a family time movie, but certainly one of the most memorable movies of 2013.

8. You're Next : PSSSSSSHA I'm not letting anyone forget about his masterpiece! This year was fairly flat for the true horror genre, I mean the Conjuring was really well made and all that but in my mind nothing holds a candle to the experience that was You're Next. Was it traditional? No. But was it fun? Hell yes. I don't really think the two movies are in the same league and that's why I personally will remember this over other scaryish movies this year. It was as fun for me as Cabin in the Woods was just a short time ago. I truly loved it and I wish for more like it.

7. Frozen : Being that I only saw EVERY animated movie put in to theaters this year I can definitively say that Despicable Me 2 was great, and Frozen was AMAZING. It's been a while since Disney went forwards with such an old school princess movie. Brave and Princess and the Frog did their best to change the formula up and while those aren't terrible they really don't have the same joyous feel as Frozen. It's a very yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! movie. Honestly it's such a pleasing movie to see, the animation is stunning the writing is witty and original, the characters are all lovable and memorable, and while I personally think it could use a few more songs, the music is pretty incredible.

6. 12 Years a Slave : If Prisoners is a genre defining thriller (which it is) then 12 Years a Slave is a genre defining... slave drama with British actors acting american. A whole new genre! No movie has ever painted a more grim image of what it was like to be a slave back in the day, and I doubt any movie will come so close to making me physically uncomfortable to watch with black people with just how raw the whole experience is. And to top it off it doesn't just cast white looking white people or even racist looking white people (Like some parts of Django) it casts honest to goodness actors that make the whole film even more core shakingly ball-bustingly difficult to watch.

5. Gravity : Personal story time. I'm terrified of heights. And flying. And the idea of going to space. Sooooo honestly I didn't want to go see this movie. After reading many many MANY positive reviews I caved and boy I was glad I did. This movie is an endless rush of intensity, and being that it's entirely carried by Sandra Bullock. Admittedly she is one of my least favorite actresses working today, she has a fairly high slot in my worst movies of the year list as well if you need proof! So when I was done with Gravity I suppose I liked her a little bit more, but she would still be my biggest complaint of an otherwise flawless film.

4. Kings of Summer : Top 4 are where I expect to throw people off, mainly because I didn't know that a lot of people actually didn't see this movie. At the time of writing you can still go rent this movie at a red box despite it coming out sometime in the middle of the year. To preface , a group of three young boys move out of their respective homes, build a house in the woods, and declare themselves men while their families worry on a journey to find them. It's a funny well acted film, with some clever writing and simple gritty camera work that at times totally throws you around the bend. For the lead young actors being mostly unknowns its surprising how well they carry such a realistic teenage boy adventure movie, that occasionally blurs the line with weird little internal fantasy off shoots. It's one of the better "boy" movies, taking the being your own man and living in the wild to a fun extreme we've never seen on film.

3. Pacific Rim : DUH DUH DUUH DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUH nuff said. Wait I can say one more thing "TODAY, WE ARE CANCELLING THE APOCALYPSE". Go see it.

2. Evil Dead : I am a huge fan of the original Evil Dead. Having seen them at a fairly young age my expectation of goofier horror movies is always a lot higher, hence why I enjoyed the more parodying nature of You're Next over the raw quality and chills of the Conjuring. And while both those movies are great there was no other movie in 2013 that fed my desire for an over the top gore fest like the Evil Dead remake sequel thingy. I know it's not for everyone but I think at the time of writing it's been my most re watched movie of the year. It's a roller coaster that throws a bucket of sh*t in your face every 9 seconds, and goes so far as to match, if not top, the sexual themes and symbols of the original. I can't imagine a better way to have made another entry into this series, and maybe soon we'll get even more.

1. American Hustle : So a lot of lists I've seen so far have things in common with this one. Mostly having Her near the top despite it opening wide on Jan. 10th, having Wolf on Wall Street despite the fact that Leo won't get the Oscar for best actor AGAIN, and Gravity. There are some critics out there that would have you believe that Wolf on Wallstreet's cast and three hour running time give it an edge over American Hustle and they would be wrong. While both period pieces understand their times no one can put a finger on the style that this movie bleeds. Every second of dialogue, every outfit, every location, every single frame of the film wants you to know it's the 70's and what that truly was like for the average american, and all you do is wish you were there. Top it off with a cast that all deserve to split the best actor trophy I can't count how many ways, a soundtrack of absolute must have vinyls, and one of the best "How else would this have all gone down" twists I've ever seen in a con/heist movie. The signature style of Sir Bad ass O. Russel is more than welcome in my movies any time.

   And that was 2013. Like I said there were a lot of good movies, and good 30 or 40 will still be relevant a few years down the line. Anything really good that I didn't even mention I probably didn't get the opportunity to see (Fruitvale Station for example). Hears to a new year, and some new movies. Let's hope its just as good. What review am I gonna put up next? The very first movie that comes out in Jan..... Paranormal Activity The Marked Ones!
...
SH*T!








Here we go again.