Devil's Due (2014)

 

This picture is so dumb...

   I didn't have high expectations for Devil's Due going in. I mean I don't go into ANY movie with high expectations anymore but as a courtesy to the movie I avoided trailers and reviews, going in as blind as possible. Now if you scroll down a bit you can see my review for Paranormal Activity the
Marked Ones, where I praise it for what it brings to the Paranormal Activity - a - verse. I don't give scores anymore because I feel you cannot boil down a complex opinion into an arbitrary number or letter, BUT if I did I would retroactively bump up Marked One's score just on the merit that I wish I had been watching it for a second time over seeing Devil's Due at all.

Clocking in at 89 minutes Devil's Due, not to be confused with that cool Star Trek episode, follows the story of a young PAINFULLY white couple Samantha and Zach McCall  starting with their marriage, moving to their honeymoon where thanks to the convenient found footage style of the film we see the foreshadowing of some sort of strange, powerful, and evil ritual that seems to have wound up causing a miraculous pregnancy that neither of them can explain. That premise alone surfaces three problems with the film :

1. The characters are smug and moronic, the guy shows no regard for personal safety or good decision making which is what leads to them getting semi-kidnapped and
immaculately impregnated in the first place. Throughout the film no one acts rationally or tries to fix things despite MOUNTAINS UPON MOUNTAINS of evidence that show
how badly things are going.

2. The found footage style is inconsistent, throwing out the idea that this is all one person's account by having security cameras, spy cameras, and OTHER PEOPLE's camera's footage all mashed together and edited like an actual movie. They briefly touch on the fact that the the story is being cobbled together by the husband as he recounts it to the police but trust me when I say I went over it a dozen times in my head and there's no way the cops would have all the footage the audience sees.

3. The movie shoots itself in both feet before the starting whistle, mainly by being called Devil's Due so we know exactly what's going on the whole time voiding
any scenes of the husband trying to figure out the truth adding to the boredom, and secondly BY BEING CALLED DEVIL'S DUE!

   This movie is brain dead and boring, the acting isn't good, the effects are minimal but still manage to look cheap, there's nothing scary because all the jump scares were shown off in the trailer and any semblance of mystery in the plot is thrown out by showing us a part of the satanic ritual used to impregnate the wife instead of  maybe just NOT doing that so that maybe it could be the spawn of our main character who's so unlikable and obnoxious that might actually be worse than an anti-Christ BUT SINCE THE MOVIE IS ONLY 89 GODDAMN MINUTES THEY COULDN'T POSSIBLY CUT IT SHORTER! I have seen better fan trailers for stupid concepts of fake ideas than this movie. You may have noticed I mentioned that the movie is boring but let delve deeper into this mess ; Some of the greatest horror movies I've ever seen are 90 minutes or shorter specifically my favorite The Strangers starring Liv Tyler is only 86 minutes and yet that movie is done so perfectly, and slowly in that time you feel as the hours pass in time frame of the events
that are unfolding. Devil's Due has a time stamp in the bottom half the time and It didn't occur to me until writing this that the movie takes place over 9 months because the two leads to absolutely nothing ; in order they go to a doctor, then a lamas class , they go to a baby store, they go to a creek, they go back to the doctor, then a church, then a hospital, the woods,and another house a few blocks away. That is literally all that this couple did over 9 months that was worth filming.

I genuinely hate these two.

   Even worse, if those scenes average 4 - 9 minutes in length that means that the majority of the movie takes place outside of their house and it still feels like every single scene is just them fighting or weird shit happening in their ugly old house. I shit you not there is a scene, it lasts less than two minutes, that is just the couple spewing exposition while they hold playing cards. Sure the wife puts one down at some point but this is it!! This is whats wrong with the movie!!! They cannot think up a single way to make anything look interesting
or feel natural. Even towards the end (***SPOILER ALERT***) when the husban is skulking around some creepy cult house the layout of where things are placed and who is inside while he is are 100% nonsense.
It infuriates me that movies like this still get made, I mean clearly they knew it sucked because hey it's January but Marked Ones is leagues better and anyone who says different is a fucking lair.
Hell Banshee Chapter a movie that came out digitally early in December is coming to some theaters next week and that's a loads better.  

   I'm still not going to outright damn the idea of found footage movies, I mean there are a few more coming out this year including Paranormal Activity 5 (no I'm serious it's shooting for an October release)
but this movie being done all guerrilla cam style only worsens the cheap, not to mention boring, feeling that this movie was either made by someone way out of his depth or by a committee of people who didn't
care about it and both possibilities are sad. I wonder what the director's made before this. I guess we'll never know..

   PSYCH I have the internet. This movie was directed by the same pairing of guys who directed the first V/H/S , and written by a women with no other credit's to her name.

Well jeez that sure does make a lot of sense. Please never make another movie again. PLEASE.

The Bottom 13 Movies of 2013

   So yeah.... 2013. A lot of good movies and a looooooooooooot of bad movies. I want to apologize on behalf of the lesser population of the United Stated for still supporting shitty movies.

13. Gangster Squad : Damn.. the first movie of the year shamefully pushed to that spot because of some post edits and re shoots that took this film, that could have been something special, and made it just dull and disjointed.

12. A Good Day to Die Hard : This movie was really bad, it turned Bruce Willis and his enjoyable if a little formulaic action shtick and made it boring and generic even by the standards of these types of movies. It's such a shame that the previous entry in the series is easily one of the best, and this is such a painful stain. I hope the people who ruined it die hard. Oh jeez that was harsh. My bad. Oddly enough this is many critic's worst movie of the year and I find that pretty weird... i mean did anyone see ANY OF THESE MOVIES.

11. Man of Steel :..................................... I'm not going there right now.

10. Dead Man Down : One of the general themes of this year's list of bad movies is boredom. Let me tell you this movie was one of the most original version of
a dull, slogging, bad Bourne ripoff espionage action thrill-less thriller. Pissing away its decent cast and even more decent set pieces.

9. Planes : I can't remember the last time a Pixar animated feature felt so cheap and lifeless and looked so ugly. Except from maybe Cars... and Cars 2.

8. The Canyons : HEY GUYS Lindsey Lohan involved in hard drugs and the porn industry. If she were any more gross looking I literally wouldn't have been able to stomach
the awkward nude scenes.

7. Getaway : Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh they f*cked this up.

6. R.I.P.D. : To quote a great man "All children grow up".
This movie is ass.

5. Grown Ups 2 : When you open a bad movie the SAME weekend as a great movie I must say with full honesty that I hate your guts Sir.

4. The Lone Ranger : I like the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. The main trilogy anyways, that fourth one really got away from them. I don't know how they got this licence or even how this movie came about but it's so bizarre, and dull, and agonizingly arrogant of its source materiel i would much rather see another Pirates.

3. After Earth : It's shame when movies like this get made, because I love both the cast and the concept so much that it kinda hurts. Let me drop a bomb and say that looking at this objectively Jaden Smith's Karate Kid remake is very very good and better than the original in a lot of ways, and I do not need to list the credentials of his father here. It just upsets me when piss poor excuses for movies get shat out like this for no apparent reason other than Will Smith wanted to be on screen with his son. Admirable intent, abysmal outcome.

2. Scary Movie V : Uggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh these movies are never great but there's no reason for them to be this bad. In the internet age we currently live in parody movies like this need to be made quickly and edited well to keep all the jokes relevant and this stinker sat in the production back lot's closet for faaaaaaaaaaaaar too long just getting sweaty and sticky and meh. It would be the worst movie of the year if it weren't for....

1. Now You See Me : Objectively Scary Movie V is worse than this movie. This movie is well filmed, has good effects, and a great cast. BUT if the trailers for this movie had been half as honest as any other movie's trailer this year this movie might not even be on this list. This movie took such an original idea, a cool original idea at that, and blows it right down the shit pipe. I do not understand how you could possibly get that much money, hire such great actors, film in such cool locations and get such a decent idea and PISS IT SO FAR AWAY FROM GOOD. I WOULD LOVE TO NEVER SEE A MODERN MAGICIAN MOVIE AGAIN. That is legitimate hate...

The Top 13 Movies of 2013

...fortunately 2013 was not a terrible year for movies, despite having a few dozen stinkers. Sure this last year only had two super hero movies, BUT 2014 is going to be a great year for all us nerds and nerdettes. It's also a shame that I can only pick 13 movies (Because of my ridiculous constraints only put on by myself) but trust me there was a tonnnnnnnnnnnnnnn of good stuff. Honorable mentions go to Captain Phillips, Before Midnight, Elysium, Kick ass 2 , and the Conjuring. In that order. SO I guess this could be top 18. Maybe you'll get that list in 2018. If you're lucky.

13. Prisoners : This is a movie that despite seeming to be very simple took many audiences by the collar and shook them till they couldn't cry no more. One of the truly dark and gritty movies not just of the year, but of our entire generation I wish this movie would pick up as much traction in the public eye as it deserves. A stunning cast, wrapped in a stunning screenplay, with a stunning story nothing short of a genre defining thriller.

12. About Time : Say what you will about crying, and being a man, and romantic dramatic movies, and say what you will about the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, but while watching this movie I loved, and laughed, and cried all at once. Ignorant to other time travel movies and Ideas, About Time has you absolutely fall in love with its characters stating early on "If I'm going to make my life how I want it, it's going to be about love". The story truly follows suit. It isn't cliched or boring, it's fun and... very happy. There aren't a lot of purely romantic movies that come a long this sweet or happy anymore and it was simply a breathe of fresh air into a genre I had condemned. That was also kind of a pun because of the tornado warning .

This is the End... HAHAHAHAH no that was simply atrocious.

11. At the World's End : See now this a comedy, and another British made movie. This movie is not only proof that the mighty trio of Frost Pegg Wright can produce something that is serious, well acted, well written, engaging and sad WHILE STILL MAKING A GOOD COMEDY. This practice appears to just fly over head with many comedy writers and directors these days who don't see the value in balanced film making. You really feel for the characters, and while i'm too young to totally relate to them I certainly feel that in the future looking back to this movie I'll find its message all too true and that's both scary and inspiring in a movie that shows such depth and growth within itself. A must say that the reason it isn't higher on the list is because there were better "comedies" this year.

10. The Hobbit : The Desolation of Smaug : EXCITEMENT BANG BOOM DWARVES LAKES NO PLACE FOR A HOBBIT PRECIOUS MAGIC GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. So I somehow had time to see this movie three times (It's really long) but as far as I'm concerned that should be all I need to say. It's a three hour long movie that's exciting, action packed, gorgeously well made, and just plain fun enough to warrant at least 3 viewings. Admittedly I'm not as big a fan of the first Hobbit because it's tone is a little more scattered, and there are some fairly long dull stretches of awkward humor,and while the Desolation still has that, it feels a lot more fleshed out in comparison. As opposed to a dull "We're half way there" kind of ending it ends on a grimmer, the tides are turning sort of feel. I certainly enjoyed it, and I most certainly can't wait for part 3.

9. Don Jon : When I first heard that Joseph Gordon Levitt was doing so much outside of acting I immediately felt way less accomplished. When I heard he was coming out with a show about user created content from hitRecord, I was uncertain that his lack of experience in content creation and control would make a great show. While we still have yet to see how it turned out I can now put any inkling of his creative incompetence to bed. Don Jon is one of most original and interestingly crafted movies I've ever seen. A lot of the people I've talked to about it mentioned it being kind of an uncomfortable watch with their friends, but I feel that enhances the experience. The films honesty about its subject is clear from the beginning and while that may turn some people off we don't need those people involved. Losers. The originality, and the acting certainly make up for the somewhat strange awkward subject matter. Not really a family time movie, but certainly one of the most memorable movies of 2013.

8. You're Next : PSSSSSSHA I'm not letting anyone forget about his masterpiece! This year was fairly flat for the true horror genre, I mean the Conjuring was really well made and all that but in my mind nothing holds a candle to the experience that was You're Next. Was it traditional? No. But was it fun? Hell yes. I don't really think the two movies are in the same league and that's why I personally will remember this over other scaryish movies this year. It was as fun for me as Cabin in the Woods was just a short time ago. I truly loved it and I wish for more like it.

7. Frozen : Being that I only saw EVERY animated movie put in to theaters this year I can definitively say that Despicable Me 2 was great, and Frozen was AMAZING. It's been a while since Disney went forwards with such an old school princess movie. Brave and Princess and the Frog did their best to change the formula up and while those aren't terrible they really don't have the same joyous feel as Frozen. It's a very yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay! movie. Honestly it's such a pleasing movie to see, the animation is stunning the writing is witty and original, the characters are all lovable and memorable, and while I personally think it could use a few more songs, the music is pretty incredible.

6. 12 Years a Slave : If Prisoners is a genre defining thriller (which it is) then 12 Years a Slave is a genre defining... slave drama with British actors acting american. A whole new genre! No movie has ever painted a more grim image of what it was like to be a slave back in the day, and I doubt any movie will come so close to making me physically uncomfortable to watch with black people with just how raw the whole experience is. And to top it off it doesn't just cast white looking white people or even racist looking white people (Like some parts of Django) it casts honest to goodness actors that make the whole film even more core shakingly ball-bustingly difficult to watch.

5. Gravity : Personal story time. I'm terrified of heights. And flying. And the idea of going to space. Sooooo honestly I didn't want to go see this movie. After reading many many MANY positive reviews I caved and boy I was glad I did. This movie is an endless rush of intensity, and being that it's entirely carried by Sandra Bullock. Admittedly she is one of my least favorite actresses working today, she has a fairly high slot in my worst movies of the year list as well if you need proof! So when I was done with Gravity I suppose I liked her a little bit more, but she would still be my biggest complaint of an otherwise flawless film.

4. Kings of Summer : Top 4 are where I expect to throw people off, mainly because I didn't know that a lot of people actually didn't see this movie. At the time of writing you can still go rent this movie at a red box despite it coming out sometime in the middle of the year. To preface , a group of three young boys move out of their respective homes, build a house in the woods, and declare themselves men while their families worry on a journey to find them. It's a funny well acted film, with some clever writing and simple gritty camera work that at times totally throws you around the bend. For the lead young actors being mostly unknowns its surprising how well they carry such a realistic teenage boy adventure movie, that occasionally blurs the line with weird little internal fantasy off shoots. It's one of the better "boy" movies, taking the being your own man and living in the wild to a fun extreme we've never seen on film.

3. Pacific Rim : DUH DUH DUUH DUH DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUH nuff said. Wait I can say one more thing "TODAY, WE ARE CANCELLING THE APOCALYPSE". Go see it.

2. Evil Dead : I am a huge fan of the original Evil Dead. Having seen them at a fairly young age my expectation of goofier horror movies is always a lot higher, hence why I enjoyed the more parodying nature of You're Next over the raw quality and chills of the Conjuring. And while both those movies are great there was no other movie in 2013 that fed my desire for an over the top gore fest like the Evil Dead remake sequel thingy. I know it's not for everyone but I think at the time of writing it's been my most re watched movie of the year. It's a roller coaster that throws a bucket of sh*t in your face every 9 seconds, and goes so far as to match, if not top, the sexual themes and symbols of the original. I can't imagine a better way to have made another entry into this series, and maybe soon we'll get even more.

1. American Hustle : So a lot of lists I've seen so far have things in common with this one. Mostly having Her near the top despite it opening wide on Jan. 10th, having Wolf on Wall Street despite the fact that Leo won't get the Oscar for best actor AGAIN, and Gravity. There are some critics out there that would have you believe that Wolf on Wallstreet's cast and three hour running time give it an edge over American Hustle and they would be wrong. While both period pieces understand their times no one can put a finger on the style that this movie bleeds. Every second of dialogue, every outfit, every location, every single frame of the film wants you to know it's the 70's and what that truly was like for the average american, and all you do is wish you were there. Top it off with a cast that all deserve to split the best actor trophy I can't count how many ways, a soundtrack of absolute must have vinyls, and one of the best "How else would this have all gone down" twists I've ever seen in a con/heist movie. The signature style of Sir Bad ass O. Russel is more than welcome in my movies any time.

   And that was 2013. Like I said there were a lot of good movies, and good 30 or 40 will still be relevant a few years down the line. Anything really good that I didn't even mention I probably didn't get the opportunity to see (Fruitvale Station for example). Hears to a new year, and some new movies. Let's hope its just as good. What review am I gonna put up next? The very first movie that comes out in Jan..... Paranormal Activity The Marked Ones!
...
SH*T!








Here we go again.

Paranormal Activity : The Marked Ones (2014)

   

   Looking back on the series as a whole (I mean this is the fifth movie we're entering Nightmare on Elm Street Territory here) I can't say that any individual movie in the Paranormal Activity series is objectively good. In fact 3 is the only one I ever really liked as a standalone piece because of the way they used the setting (The 1970's) to change up the way their limited information and technology had them perceive the hauntings. That said as a unified story I'm somewhat charmed by what it all brings to the table; though the back story is only revealed in bits in each movie up until now here's what we know :

   A cult of witches working in collusion with an entity, or several entities  marks women to be possessed or controlled or some nonsense by demons or something or some .... Yeah I guess I can't really explain it. It's complicated watch the movies yo! Let's move on to the newest one , Paranormal Activity the Marked Ones! Set sometime after the other four movies Marked Ones focuses on young Hispanic teens living in Oxnard, CA the summer after they graduate high school. After getting some apparently hard to hold cameras they decide to spy on the strange women living below them and see some strange activity. Possibly paranormal. After a few more mysterious happenings she is found murdered and our main characters go routing around in her apartment, a few jump scares later it appears or main character Jesse is being followed around and protected by some unseen force. He can't get hurt, he floats mid air when he falls ect. ect.

   I suppose If I had to give this movie credit it doesn't put a jump scare in every other scene, there's a few early one and some more at the end but the main stretch of the movie has the tone of films like Chronicle as Jesse rolls around da hood trying to figure out whats happening to him as his cool new abilities start manifesting as a darkness inside him. To give a list of simple pluses the cast is really great, the two main lead guys have really good chemistry doing a better job of making you care about them as things start to go sour, the shaky cam b*llsh*t has been worse and isn't used to nauseating effects, they have a cute new version of the Ouija board gag that's kinda fun while it lasts, and it has an actually shocking and climactic ending. Thus far this is probably the best movie in the series and the one that explains the most about what's really going on. Being a January release they obviously don't expect this to make much money which kinda disappoints me, it's certainly not the worst found footage I've ever seen. it's also not the worst horror movie either.

   That said the Marked Ones falls into a category of movies I like to call "Adorable 6's" Where it doesn't do anything to really rise above a 6 out of 10, but is still enjoyable to watch. I mean I did see this in a theater full of enthusiastic urban youth and it's hard not to have a fun time at the movies when people around you are reacting and making noise but I found myself scoffing at a lot of the cheaper looking camera tricks, some of the dumber side stuff, and the weak jump scares which in my opinion are a necessary evil of the horror genre, but still very ,much an evil. The biggest point against this movie is the name , Paranormal Activity; it's become kind of a scourge of a series that a lot of people wretch at despite there only being one abominable entry in it (The second one), and while I do find the back story to be interesting I find myself watching these movie get churned out and just thinking "They'll end any day now, and maybe we'll finally get to figure out what the f*ck is going on."

   Still I wouldn't feel honest if I didn't recommend this movie. Granted this month will have a lot of 2013's biggest hits of December finally opening wide so everyone can go see them (Movies like Her) so you're more than justified in going to see one of those instead, but speaking exclusively from the January line up you have terrible Hercules movie, a terrible looking paranormal activity rip off, some bad comedies, some trashy animated pieces, that one cheap looking Tom Clancy movie that got rushed out because of his death and That Awkward Moment... which actually looks pretty awesome! But that's not until the 31st. So for the time being Paranormal Activity the Marked Ones is a "go-and-see-cuase-it's-fun" in my book. 

Her (2013 , spilling over into 2014)

Her is a great movie.

   I guess it's getting most of its top ten Oscar winning appeal for being different and great at the same time. That's not a bad thing but I suppose at its core being just a good different movie does not make it the best movie I've ever seen. I'm sure it'll  be in my top movies of 2013 but I can't in good conscious give it a number one spot like SOMEEEEE people. Let me try to explain my heinous crime of a less than "OMG THIS MOVIE SO PURRFECT" opinion :

   Her centers around Theodore, played by Joaquin Phoenix , who in a distant future works as a love letter writer in a cubicle style office and is going through a messy divorce that's causing him to curl inward away from his friends. While going from his home to work see's an ad for an artificially intelligent operating system which he picks up and after a few questions seems totally enamored with, her name is Samantha (voiced by Scarlet Johansson). That's pretty much al you need to know , its a somewhat conventional love story told from the perspective of a guy falling in love with his computer. Inter spliced with dealing with his ex-wife and other women looking for exactly what he is, as he falls deeper and deeper in love with Samantha who slowly learns and yearns to be more and more real.

   I can imagine making this movie would have been a challenge, Johansson's voice mixed with Phoenix's awkward loner stammering could have very easily made the whole plot come across as extremely creepy but it never does, and that's probably its greatest triumph. In fact there were points when Samantha comes across as the creepy overly attached type tumbling through her first love and you feel like Phoenix's one big part in this movie is not understanding what he wants on any level, and consistently crushing his own happiness. Its truly worrying how well he plays this manic depressive shut in, and even his OS that's desperately trying to connect with and care for him can't break him out of his shell. It's like he worries so much about all the same things we worry about in relationships but puts moral constraints on himself while the society around him doesn't seem to care. Maybe that's whats the most disconcerting, not knowing how he feels is one thing but constantly worrying about how hes supposed to be is tearing him apart.

   Objectively there's nothing wrong with this movie, its paced well, its filmed well, the whole cast brings there's A game, and I never really lost interest in the movie. It's silent moments are as powerful as its loud ones and every little aspect has just enough meaning to be enjoyed in different ways by different people. While I can certainly see the value in it I never fell in love with the characters, and while I'm not sure I was supposed to I felt very detached in the whole story. Nothing ever seemed to be changing and the characters don't grow a lot but compared to the world around them they seem very bold and daring. Its powerful moments are pulled back by the fact that they are the most unoriginal, the long break up speeches and the fighting the standard relationship ups and downs feel a little formulaic, its doesn't take a way to the movie but I'm never overtaken by the emotions in the scene.

   My most loved times in this movies are when it slows down and tries to show up what it would be like to date a person without a body and going out with other couples AI Based or otherwise. It's really a movie about the conventional idea of relationships and while I can't imagine anyone disliking this movie I will never call it the best moofie eva yo it remains a solidly great movie that will remain in the top 5 percent of all movies for all of time. Not unlike About Time its a very interesting spin on the classic romance of boy meets girl and I really adored it. I don't want to say anything about the closing arc of the film besides the fact that its the most powerful moment of the film so don't lose hope, in a lot of ways it really does shine darkly so to speak, and I highly recommend it.