Resident Evil : Retribution (2012)

                        Ummmmmm ... Well it's a Resident Evil movie. Go see it if you care.
                                                  Barry Burton is totally in it though. That shit was pretty hype.

Looper (2012)

    First off I owe someone money for saying I thought this movie would probably flop. It's fantastic. Not just fantastic, it's an instant sci-fi classic I hope no one ever touches again. It's up there with Minority Report, the original Star Wars, the Matrix, and even Brazil (for those of you know who know what that is). I'm actually kinda speechless, this movie is pretty perfect. It's visually impressive, it's smart, it's well written, it's proper well acted, and it's very VERY original. 

    So Looper... what are you really about? I guess it's about, at it's core, how the smallest events affect our lives as much as the biggest sacrifices. It's about how love can drive us to the edge, and about how time influences all things. As far as an actual plot ; Loopers are specialized assassins. When criminal organizations in the future need to kill someone, they send them back in time (which is highly illegal) and the Loopers remove them. They're payed well, and live rich lives. That is until they have to close their loop, essentially meaning killing themselves from the future to prevent any trace of the murders. Over the course of his life Joseph Gordon Levitt's character, a young Looper named Joe, notices all his Looper friends are being closed, his older self finally comes back. Old Joe played by Bruce Willis happens to have an agenda of his own, to change the future so he and his wife can live long happy lives together. 

    I won't spoil any of the more interesting plot points, but suffice it to say the movie has a lot going on. The plot moves fast but manages to keep you connected to the characters, changing who you like, who you hate, and who your routing for scene to scene. The two leads along with a fantastic supporting cast make this the best most heartfeltly acted movie I've seen in a long time. I'm taking this sentence to say I think (and have thought for a while) that Joseph Gordon Levitt is the best actor around right now. Bruce Willis doesn't do bad either, and Emily Blunt not sounding British is a great turn as well. 

   The effects when used are great, but what really stands out are the make-up as the two characters transition into one another, and the design of all their sort of near future gadgettry; such as floating motorcycles and cellphones in your hand (which is cool here as opposed to when Total Recall did it) and just GAH this movie is so good. The story will be remembered long after any of these actors.

   Everyone should go see this now. It has no flaws, I have seen it twice and I will go see it again, and you will see it again and again and YOUR FRIENDS will see it again and again and everyone in the world will see it. Go see it today. 

    

The House at the End of the Street (2012)

Yeah...  thought this was about ghosts too.

    Hub blub dub wubb wubbly bubbly dub bub.... oh hey. So yeah, someone made this movie. Honestly I shouldn't be surprised it's a sack of shit garbage, every other horror movie this year has been, why wouldn't this be too? The Possession, the Apparition, hell I hear V/H/S is pretty shitty too. If Sinister isn't good and Silent Hill doesn't entertain  I'm condemning the horror film genre for a few years. 

    Anyways so House at the End of the WHO GIVES A SHIT the title isn't relevant is about a mother and her daughter who move into a new very nice house after coming out of a bad neighborhood. They can afford the house because a nearby house (possibly at the end of some street) is occupied by a young man who's little sister murdered their parents. While it doesn't go exactly where you think it does it does stick to the formula of the girl falls sympathetically for the guy and the guy shows only a few signs of being psychotic. 

    I don't even want to talk about the film making; endless shaky cam and poor lightning, no real logical set design, poor simple borrrrring writing, no real characters, and for the love of god someone needs an acing coach (I'm talking about all of them). The biggest disappointment (Besides the whole thing and the poorly convinced twist ending that doesn't affect anyone) is Jennifer Lawrence. Here's this attractive girl with zero potential who keeps getting put in movies. 

                                                                            HEY

    Stop that bullshit.  She can't act and the only way to make her look passable is by jerking off the camera every second she's on the screen.  I really don't have a lot else to say about this movie, it's not worth it, it's a piece of shit. It's awful. Never go see it. Forget it exists. Fuck off Jennifer Lawrence. 

The Possession (2012)

   Sooooooooooooooooooo after two weeks of college, moving into my dorm, meeting new people, working way too hard, and waiting through two party hardy weekends I FINALLY got to the movies with a cute lil vixen from the third floor of my dorm, and we had a lovely time.

I mean the movie was piece of garbage and I hate everything 
But she was pretty cute

   So if you can't tell based on the STAGGERINGLY ORIGINAL AND COMPLEX title, the movie is about a little girl who is possessed by a Jewish demon that feeds on children. It's not a bad idea, I mean it's not super original but it's a cool idea that could work easily. It's just busting at the loins with shitty creative decisions. For example you know you need to transition between scenes or else the movie feels ridiculously disjointed? Well this movie's longest scene is probably 11 minutes if that. The cuts are rapid because the scenes are short because the director seems to have his lips securely around the dick of a few piano notes that play in every single fracking transition. It's annoying, and any good development gets cut way too short. 

   Complaint number 2, WHY THE F*CK DON'T GOOD CHILD ACTORS EXIST???? I mean there have to be more then two or three of them right? The main little girl in this movie, ya know the one that's supposed to be possessed and scary and drive the plot and shit? Ya she sucks. Not just because she can't deliver a line properly to save her life, but she can't make emotions via her face or any other part of her, and most importantly she Jake Lloyds(LOOK IT UP) all over her serious scenes. She was a massive casting mistake. Shame on you movie.

   But I guess my biggest complaint is that's its blue - gray wintery affect reminds of a not so slick rip off of every recently sorta good to great horror flick and it worries me that THIS is where bad horror movies are moving. I love silly bad horror movies and ridiculous  bad horror movies but this new breed of crap and melodramatic horror movies don't sit well with this cracker!

Just skip this movie it literally has NOTHING to offer. 
Unless you take a cute girl. 
Then it's totally cool. 

The Apparition (2012)

   

   I can't remember the last time I was this excited to write a review. Why? Because this movie was not only a massive pile of terribleness, but it was also very confusing, lacking in plot themes, and characters but it also has the audacity to throw in what the director probably thought was a big symbol about modern day culture. A scene that I not only laughed at while it was happening, but that I will probably laugh at till my dying day. 

   So yeah, The Apparition is about (Let's just pretend it's about something for the sake of argument) a young couple moving into their own place. The movie doesn't open with that but since it's one of the two plot points I thought I would mention it. The movie actually opens with two very short scenes; a small group of people having a seance in the 70's and they sort of revive a ghost, but then it cuts to college kids many years later trying to replicate the experiment but with fancy science. One of them gets taken by something, then the movie stops caring and moves on to our main characters played by some guy and Ashley Greene from Twilight. Moving into their new house they start having bizarre supernatural experiences, and the guy learns that his old friend has been repeating the experiment, trying more and more elaborate things to contain the "entity" but makes it more and more powerful. 

   It gets stronger, there are a few scenes where it attacks them and then the movie ends. It's not only bad, and incredibly boring, but its really confusing. It's almost as if someone bought a collection of Stephen King's short stories, thought they were cool, got d-runk, and then mashed together a bunch of the worst recurring elements into an hour long screenplay very few characters, a disappointing but somehow unexplained enemy, and then a lot of nothing happening followed by a weird message. Oh, and did I mention it's barely 70 minutes long? Yeah, it seems to hit the climax in the middle and then wind down, then hit another sort of climaxy thingy, then wind down with the one of the stupidest endings of all time. It literally does nothing, goes no where, buries itself in the back yard, and dies of dysentery. 

   I am not only annoyed and confused but very disappointed. I mean the concept is so cool ; Do ghosts exist because we believe in them? And then it IMMEDIATELY drops the premise and gets stupid. Not just stupid but boring and empty. I would really like the people who made this movie to lock themselves in a box because I know they wouldn't find their way out, but then Ashley Green might die, and that would be sad. Don't go see this movie. If you do I hate you.

Quick List of Movies I Watched Recently But Don't Get Full Reviews Because I Said So...Again

Detention  (2011) :
Since you haven't heard of this movie I'll keep it short; it's like a cross between Cabin in the Woods and the Scary movies and I loved it a lot. Check it out. 

Lord of War  (2005)  :
I've always been a fan of the supreme Nicholas Cage, and in my opinion there haven't been enough movies like this recently that show off just how good of an actor he can be if he's written and directed by magicians. 
If you ever have the chance, watch this movie.

Redline (2007) : I recently picked this up on Blu-ray on a recommendation from a friend and man oh man I was not disappointed, a crazy quick, gritty, action packed, colorful and creative anime movie for a more mature modern audience. 
A must see for all anime fans. 

Insidious (2010) : It isn't often that a new horror movie can give me the creeps but damn is Insidious a crazy load of fun that almost could have given me maybe half of a nightmare. 
Great for anyone who can appreciate the horror genre.

Limitless (2011) : I knew there was a reason I didn't see this when it came out... who the hell thought this was a good idea? 
Skip it. 

The Shrine (2010) : .... what a piece of junk!

Total Recall (Totally Remade in 2012)

   

I'll just say it, I think Colin Farrell looks silly here

   When I walked out of the theater for this movie a brilliant man gave me a brilliant peace of advice. "Enjoy your youth before they start remaking all your favorite movies". And he's right. When I get older I'm not looking forward to a Lord of the Rings remake, Harry Potter remakes, remakes of poorly re-made horror movies. I gotta say this guy really got me thinking that they better not touch Shrek. For the love of god, leave Shrek alone.
   ....if your wondering why I wasn't thinking more about Total Recall it's because there wasn't much to think about. 

   Straying even farther from the original Philip K. Dick short story (Speaking of which, leave I Am Legend alone from now on. I happen to like the book and the original movie a lot) this version of Total Recall is really just forgettable. Oh ha ha puns. Starring Colin Farrell in the principle of role original played by Arnold Shwatrzgenhimener of the great California and I have to say if anything has improved while at the same time being a lot worse it's the acting. The original movie has tons of cheesy over the top 80's style action acting while the new is actually full of a really great cast who all do an amazing job. But I for some reason, I find myself enjoying the original more because it doesn't take itself quiet as seriously. All the other acting is the same way, everyone in this remake is better but it never feels as fun. 

   I feel the same way about the visuals, they're great and sparkly but as opposed to the cool colorful collective of the original's design we have what look like Blade Runner throwing up all over *Insert scene from any Bourne movie here*. And while the movie doesn't look bad modern day conventions of grey drab sci-fi city combined with the classic J. J. Abrams lens flares makes this movie a little boring to look at. I won't spoil it but the coolest thing in the movie to me is what they do instead of going to Mars, even though the Mars stuff is great in the original this movie's version is to me a very interesting change. 

   I can't really say this movie is bad, the acting is great and the effects are great, but everything else is so standard and bland that I can't really recommend you check it out. That said if you get trapped in some sort of social vortex where you must go see it the movie definitively won't kill you with sheer horribleness. 

The Dark Knight Rises (2012) (Extra Full Special Fun Times With Spoilers)

  This is a Batman movie. An important Batman movie. One that concludes an epic trilogy of super-hero movies the quality of which probably won't ever be matched by another Batman movie/movies. I'll tell you now you should definitely go see it. You will definitively enjoy it.  I am 100 % sure its a great movie. It just isn't perfect, it's not as good as the Dark Knight, and more importantly its not as good as the Avengers.

   Calm down, come back, come back I'm not the devil. Just let me explain myself. Like I said, the Dark Knight Rises is a great movie, very well written, very well acted, great effects, great costume work, good at being serious without being silly and even manages to be touching. On the other hand for a movie that's almost three hours long it drags out, has a lotta fluff, a lot of obnoxious side characters, and no one I MEAN NO ONE gets the screen time they deserve. When your movies almost three hours long everyone should be getting too much screen time. This is not a good thing people.

   It's really a shame because all the acting, even the actors that don't have to be good, are amazing. Tom Hardy nails a difficult but unique villain, Anne Hathaway makes Catwomen as believable as any of the other characters, Gary Oldman and Joseph Gordon Levitt could pretty much star in their own movie compiled just of their scenes together in this movie, and he other actors we see are great. Christian Bale, Michael Caine, Morgan Freeman, Marion Cotilliard are all great. Every side character and their mother is awesome. 

 But its got problems so let me break my complaints up clearly, after all this is a critique not... the complimentary equivalent. If you want that go read Metacritic, Rotten Tomatoes, or some other internet snob with more joy in his life. 

   Before I go on there will be spoilers so I'll just say this ; The Dark Knight Rises is a flawed film, but its great, its memorable, and its a pretty fitting  end to the best saga of Batman films we will probably ever see. Joseph Gordon Levitt and Anne Hathaway truely stand out and make the movie a must see along with all your favorite classic Batman characters, and while there is a lot to criticize below the movies still great, the good things like the acting, writing, and effects just on't lend themselves as well to reviewing. Definitely check this movie out. If you still wanna know more... well.... 

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1. An Hour Worth of Nonsense : I tend to love long movies. Why? Cuase I'm a big nerd. The best example of this is the Extended Cut of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. If you haven't seen them, I can't recommend them highly enough. Not only are they more faithful to the books, but they add some much needed characters development in places, while adding more ambiance in others. The Dark Knight Rises is almost as long as the shortest of the extended cuts annnnnnnnnnd it squanders a lot of that time,  and frankly I'm not even sure how. I mean I know all the scenes with Bruce Wayne in the pit are mostly pointless but that's only about 20 minutes. And while its not all bad it drags out too long and the visual coolness of it vanishes after the first couple shots. It's hard to say where else the movie wastes time, maybe the scene with the Special Ops guys who are supposed to be super bad asses but then die in small simple ambush, maybe its the scene that spoils the twist while Bruce Wayne is sleeping with Marion Cotillard's Talia' Al' Ghul. Who knows, but for what its worth more time could have been spent on the great characters like Joseph Gordon Levitt's Robin John Blake and Anne Hathaway's Catwomen for sure. As they stand being some of the best parts of the movie they barely get anytime on screen. I'd call that a bad choice on the writer's side. Shame on you. Go back to writing the next Call of Duty game you sick bastard. 

2. Catwomen had a sexy costume : .... oh ya its a complaint. Normally I wouldn't even bring it up but considering Anne Hathaway doesn't have that many scenes I was surprised to see how much work they put into her costume. Its actually a very cool modern interpretation of the old school shiny leather and whip motif. So whats the problem? Well she only wears it in two scenes, only one of them is during the day, and lets be honest the money shot of her in the suit is her ass on the bike which is REALLY gear grinding. She's supposed to be not only a master jewel thief but a strong independent female character that doesn't need anyone else, anytime she wants a man she seduces him into doing whatever she wants. Why is the most prominent shot of her in this movie so degrading and pointless?  Good job assholes. 

3. Hey Batman... bye Batman... oh hey Batman where have you been for the whole movie? : So ya along with squandering a lot of time not giving great actors a chance to play great characters there are only actually 2 and a half scenes with Batman as Batman. There are a lot of Bruce Wayne not being very useful and being kinda lost of in pain but barely any Batman. This wouldn't be a problem if so much of the movie didn't drag on that you actually start to wonder when Batman will be back, and then they cut to Bruce in the Pitt and your like "Oh the babby hurt his back, almost forgot. Take off that rope, fear is why blah blah blah". Look the Pitt is a cool idea and I can see why its important to all the character's backstorys but it just goes on forever and seems to be an excuse to keep Bruce Wayne in the movie because they have no idea what Batman should be doing while Gotham goes to hell. It's not like Batman could help or anything. He just needs to go through another trans formative experiences... like in the other two movies only this time with more fear to motivate him. Honestly though, Batman just doesn't appear enough in his won movie because it has so much padding where he isn't needed.

4. "I'm immortal... no, not like in the comics" : So one of the first scenes with Bruce Wayne in the Pitt has Liam Neeson, a great actor who's coming back as an action star in a big way, appear to him as his character from Batman Begins, and because that movie didn't make a lotta money they had already been spending a lot of time retracing his back story which they manage to do in subtle cool ways that gel pretty well with whats happening. And when he actually appears to Bruce saying "I'm immortal" I very obviously giggled because his character Ra's al Ghul is effectively immortal. Even though we saw him die in Begins, he could very easily be back here right now and kick this movie into overdrive. Then he.... fades away because it was all a hallucination.
...
Alright fuck off. Can't "I'm immortal" just mean "I CANNOT DIE BECAUSE LAZARUS PIT" like its supposed to. I mean I can see what they were going for his spirit cannot die and his bidding will be done but couldn't they find some other outlet to portray that message. Like have his daughter say it later in the movie? 
... 
Oh she does? 
Oh ya I remember that. 
...
Alright fuck off. 
This scene is so pointless and yet another example of time not well spent with a great actor. Not only that but its a missed opportunity for a great twist set up. 

Because of the Lazarus Pit he's like super immortal all the time yo. 

5. Robin John Blake : Kids for those of you... sorry, PEOPLE for those of you haven't read any Batman comics there are 5 Robins. FIVE! And yet they insisted on making up a new random name for a new random character and then slapping Robin onto his name. I wouldn't mind except that the ending explains well enough the he pretty much becomes Robin, why not just give him an actual Robin's name? Or better yet  Terry McGinnis the Batman from way in the future. A professionally missed opportunity if I've ever seen one.

6. Touching moment... touching moment... the ending... touching mome- wait what!? : So yes, that scene where Alfred tells Bruce that he can't watch him kill himself is INCREDIBLE. It well written and its touching and its by far one of the best scenes in the movie. You pretty much wanna die as this old man guy who has lived a long life looking after this kid basically has to give Bruce and ultimatum.  And then in the middle, it kinda gives away the very ending... I mean they aren't gonna build that cafe' set for one scene, and as long as the ending is a happy one even Alfred has to get his just reward. So if your paying attention you do in fact get the ending spoiled for you. 

7. Who the hell is that? : This complaint is smaller but worth noting, Bane, Catwomen, that one business guy who was evil Daggit or something like that, and Commissioner Gordon all have minor characters riding on their coattails. Catwomen has that annoying blonde lesbian with no name and even fewer lines, Bane has that bad ass sniper guy with no lines and even fewer names, Daggit has that creepy bug eyed guy in the grey suit, and Gordon has the most obnoxious cop in the history of Gotham P.D. who only seems to exist to go through a rushed and unimportant character ark. 
I have no words.
I just wanna know why these characters are in the movie at all. They are wasting time.  

8. Nods and bows and screw ups oh my : I'll give this movie credit, up until this point Christopher Nolan seems to have been pretty against a lot of the source material in the comics, in favor of twisting elements to his liking and as  with some of the complaints above there are a lot more old school comic nods in this movie. Which is a shame because the ones they did used they seem to have botched, and the ones they could have used better really stand out ; 

   i. Robin John Blake , I already mentioned this but I'd like to point out that this character is probably going to wind up in the comics later because of his portrayal in this movie. He's pretty much a combination of the first three Robins, and is all around a great character acted well. I just think his name is dumb. 

   ii. The scene where Bane beats the shit outta Batman, this is actually a pretty famous part of the comics. Bane was the first person not just to defeat Batman but in his debut comic appearance in Knightfall beat the crap out of Batman, and breaking his back as it was shown in this movie. However where Knightfall used Bruce Wayne being out of commission to introduce now interesting characters this movie just uses it as a framing device so that Batman can go through the same process of returning to Batman as he has in the other two movies.
And ya know, in the beginning of this movie. 

SEE HOW AWESOME THAT IS?!

   iii. Did ya notice how bizarre that was ^ , The movie starts with Batman being crippled, getting back into the game and pumping himself up ONLY to hurt him and have him go through the exact same process again half way through the movie. WHY?

   iv. Talia al Ghul wasn't a good twist  - though it seemed to be THE twist, So ever since Liam Neeson's character in the first movie was seen everyone pretty much knew that at some point Talia was going to show up. Why? Because shes Batman's most consistent love interest and half the reason any writer brings Ra's al Ghul into a story. So eventhough everyone knew she was coming, and they give hints throughout the movie that shes coming, they still expect it to be a shock. 

Ya they're together a lot in some of the comics.

   And there ya have it. Is it a bad movie? Well like I said with these in mind I still have to recommend it. I don't think it'll win any awards and I don't think its going to be at the top of any of these actor's best movie lists but when it comes down to the wire this movie pulls off what it needs to do : End an amazing trilogy of movies, written well, directed well, scored by a master of music, and acted tremendously. Its not as good as the other two but its great and it deserves your support. 

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

   SPIDER-MAAAAAAAAAAAA,
SPIDER-MAAAAAAAAAAAN
RADIOACTIVE SPIDER MAAAAAAAN
DODADOOOO - okay you get the idea I really really really like Spider-man. From the earliest of comics all the way to this new movie I will always like Spider-man. He's a punk ass with super powers flying around New York city with a camera. Whats not to like? For the record I like the first and second of the Sam Raimi movies, regarding the second as the best super-hero movie of all time. Does this one measure up? Well I'll tell ya... 


   I loved it. I thought the acting was great, I thought the writing was great, I thought the action scenes were legitimately memorable and most importantly I thought this was a faithful rendition of the Spider-Man origin I know and love. The writing feels great, and there isn't more than one seen where the acting feels forced.
..we'll get to that seen in a moment. The acting is great, while this cast isn't any bigger or more star studded then the last but for the times it's definitely no less. And on top of that what really matters, the caliber of the acting, is fantastic :  Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Denis Leary, Martin Sheen, Sally Field these are some strong actors and they all pull their weight. Nothing that was written too cheesily really comes off that way when they deliver the line, nothign feels over the top or unnessary for a super-hero movie. Everything falls pretty perfectly into place. If this was the whole movie i'd be pretty thirlled. 


  The problem this movie seems to have on its hands is the Lizard played by Ryhs Ifans, he isn't a bad actor he just doesn't seem to have much to do. Once his connection to Peter Parker is explained he really only gets a small handful of scenes to develop a motivation, a character, an alter ego, and finally an evil master plan. It isn't awful but he feels rushed and under cut. What could have been a deep interesting and tormented character gets kinda shoved to the side. I mean this movie does put a lot more polish on Spidey's story but it doesn't let the villain pop. And being that Spider-man has some of the best villains in the marvel universe that's really saying something. 


   All in all I say this movie is worth a look and I hope it kicks of a new more stable franchise of good Spider-man movies. As you'll notice I didn't mention the third Sam Raimi film becuase it was terrible. Go check out this summer super-hero block buster that definitely ...is worth a look. But is not as good as the other super-hero movies we have already seen or are about to see (Avengers and the Dark Knight Rises respectively.)

Ted (2012)

   
   Walking into Ted I expected a simple kinda half assed version of every dude bro-ship clashes with relationship comedy, except made worse by having to stare at a cheaply animated teddy bear. What I got was in fact a shock, one of the best dude bro-ship clashes with relationship comedies in recent memory, that actually had some decent characters, good acting, and .. well a few cliche's but we can't win em all! 


  Ted opens very simply; a young boy without friends gets a new teddy bear for Christmas and wishes that he come to life. Contrary to what probably should happen, the bear comes to life and assumes the mantle of the young boy's best friend. And because he's a magical talking adorable teddy bear the two become quiet famous. Years later the fame has died down, leaving the two now young adults at an emotional level of man-child because they're always had each other. When the guy (played by Mark Wahlberg) starts getting serious with his girlfriend (played by the dazzling Mila Kunis) she asks if maybe after all these years Ted (Voiced by writer and director Seth MacFarlane)  could move out so they can start a life together. 


  Annnnnnnnnnnnd you can see where that takes them, the idea isn't terribly original and the curves in the plot  can be picked outta the crowd like bright red tomatoes in a bagel factory.... see even the metaphor I used was more confusing then the plot of Ted. What makes it worth watching are three things ; the acting, the writing, and Mila Kunis. Now Mila Kunis is self-explanatory beautiful and a good actress but most importantly actually a funny and deep female character in this sort of a movie with a real motivation we actually believe. The jokes , while I won't get too specific, are a mix of all MacFarlane's favorites playing out in proper live action. And for what it's worth his jokes only work for me half the time so to say that I think its funny is some evidence that it should have a broader appeal then Family Guy. It's a mix of obscure references to his favorite era in which he grew up and very precise political humor that rarely crosses over to the offensive side. 


   But what really does it for me in this movie is in fact the acting, everyone plays their character so well ; Wahlberg uses his classic accent to stay in a kind of meta-immaturity, 
Giovanni Ribisi plays the perfect - OH I'm sorry didn't you know he was in this movie? Ya he is and he's f*cking weird. He plays the hell out of his weird creepy character but still... ick. Even Patrick Warburton, who you  will immediately recognize, who has less than five scenes in the movie is hilarious. 


   I can't promise you'll love this movie but isn't too long, it's funny, and when it suits the film its actually kinda sweet. Worth a quick look.